The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
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Sounds about right! 💯
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Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…