Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.