Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

Our lord and savoury.

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put