Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

👀

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down