Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Only Americans understand

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*