Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

#MeanwhileInCanada

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?