Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.