the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
You Might Also Like
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
sleeping beauty
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me