the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
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insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Not all heroes wear capes.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice