the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
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HELP 😭
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?