Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]