The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
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The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here