The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
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In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
well this is just bullshirt
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I have two kinds of followers
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?