The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
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Close call…
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
sir, my pâté if you please
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.