Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

the zen of frog

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

Windchimes

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?