The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
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Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Welcome
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
one week till the election
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.