The days of good grammer has went
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My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I cannot call her anything else now
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
