Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

This meal prepping shit easy

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…