The days of good grammer has went
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My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything