The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
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[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”