The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
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There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
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Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
opening twitter today
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ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
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I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
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New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
paddle faster i hear baby shark
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”