Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

lmao

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

Big Sex has us all fooled

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.