The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent
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I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’