The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
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On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
what could possibly go wrong?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend