The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
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mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!