The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
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Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm