The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I will never stop laughing at this
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore