The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
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A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.