The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
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If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work