The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
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[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
when u come home smelling like another dog