The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
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If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend