Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

wut hotdog?

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”