The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
You Might Also Like
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
my professor scared me for a second
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
why isn’t he texting back
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
