Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

✌🏽

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting