Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

One venti cheeseburger please.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

Sponch

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

9 circles of hell in this economy?

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?