Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”