Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid