The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
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7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough