Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

Man these end times are taking forever

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

There is no “we” in chocolate.

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?