The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
![]()
You Might Also Like
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.