The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
You Might Also Like
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
S M O L
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in