Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking