The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
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ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*