The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
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Always
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”