The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
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Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.
Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.