The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.