Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?