Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

😂👽

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss