The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
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[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.