The devil.
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*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Friday night party time 🥳
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
*limbos away from your hug*
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.