The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”![]()
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my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
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If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
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