Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

Love thy neighbor’s dog

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park