Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

When I said I liked it rough.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

Green is just blue that someone peed in

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle