The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
You Might Also Like
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
it is time once again
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Breaking news:
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.