The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
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Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
🙋♀️
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.