The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
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Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
blocked.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
(Electricians.)
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?