The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
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I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
me and who
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.