Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

i think we should see other cousins