The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
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When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Me trying to “trust the process”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.