@Kbrizz1

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

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@Iwriteforcats

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

@SatansTongue

(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond

@LoverOfComics94

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

@Cycloptomese

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

@ohpegah

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

@MartinPilgrim1

1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party

My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.

@WheelTod

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

@djdavemichaels

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

@Smooheed

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

@iAmJuddy

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.