The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
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(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party
My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.