The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
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If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘