the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
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My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her