Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

is losing your mind a hobby?

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.