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I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
Not recommended for beginners.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold