The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?