The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!