The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all