The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
That’s no pocket rocket.