The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
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My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
who will stop them
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard