The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
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me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
This meeting could have been a cake
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.