The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
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Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.