Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices

Body by sandwich.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear