The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
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Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
You are not alone 💚
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages