The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
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Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Me, flirting😏
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Every. Damn. Time.
